Some people know this, some people don't....but andrew and I have been trying for a baby for almost an entire YEAR now and it's felt like an eternity. I got pregnant pretty much within the first month of trying for Aiden. So imagine my surprise when 4 months, then 6 months, then 8 months went by and no little bambino ever started growing in my belly. It was pretty discouraging. So after 8 months I went to the dr. because I was having some other random issues (I'll spare you the details). So they tested me and found out that I have PCOS....polycystic ovary syndrome. They're stumped because of all of the symptoms of pcos, I only really have one. But it's pcos nonetheless. So my dr. pretty much laid it out like this "I'm not convinced you'll be able to have another baby on your own" meaning...we can have another baby but not without infertility treatments. I'll be honest, I was devastated at first. But I'm not anymore & I'll tell you why.
1. My husband is incredible and his wisdom combined with his ability to remain calm in all situations amazes me. I came home from my appointment just a crying mess. I've watched one too many episodes of 16 and pregnant and was having a hard time understanding why an irresponsible 16 year old with a deadbeat boyfriend can have a baby and I can't have another one. Anyway- in the midst of my crying rant about stupid mtv shows, andrew looked at me and said "we will have another baby. and if we've learned anything from having aiden it's that being a parent is by far the most rewarding thing we've ever done. So who's to say that it's not worth working for? No one said it has to be easy and if theres anything that's worth putting in time and work to get, it's the privilege of having another baby." So yeah. He's clearly my rock & I totally agree with his point.
2. Although, I agree with the previous statement, it doesn't really mean that the process got any easier. The medication regimine is annoying and quite frankly makes me feel like a crazy person. So I've done three rounds of pills and shots (that are literally a pain in the butt) and still no baby. So then I was sad again and one day I just said aloud "God help me" That's as specific as I got. I'm not sure why, but I sometimes feel guilty about asking God to give me another baby. He already gave me one and Aiden is so perfect, and I don't want to seem greedy. But the great thing about God is that he knew exactly what I needed.
So over the next few days he just revealed to me just how important my role as Aiden's mom is right now. My Roy boy, among all the wonderful characteristics he possesses is one of the most stubborn & determined boys I know. He needs serious boundaries & consistent correction sometimes. So after a "pull my hair out" kind of weekend where it seemed like all I was doing was disciplining him, we actually had about a week tantrum free. It was amazing and was proof that us being consistent and giving him boundaries was really paying off. I mean, don't get me wrong....we still have tantrums. But nothing like that weekend. I also read that very same week about how important boundaries are for boys...especially from birth to two years. I feel like God just laid it out for me so clearly that my focus right now should be on raising this precious boy to be who God wants him to be. I think that if I had another baby already, I would let Aiden get away with more than he should. Maybe right now he needs my undivided attention as he's testing the waters to see what he can and cannot get away with. And most importantly I've realized what a gift I've been given to have this one on one time with my best little buddy.
So I can honestly say after months of disappointment and wondering why God didn't want to make things happen according to MY plan, today (and for a while now) I've had a complete peace about the situation. I feel that I will have another little bundle someday, but I don't feel anxious and I really feel ok.
I'm sharing this now for two reasons: 1. I don't really journal besides writing things on the blog, so I just kind of wanted to write this because I know that one day I will be holding a new baby in my arms and I will be able to look back on this post and be reminded of how gracious our God is & maybe have even more understanding as to why it was important for us to wait. I am certain His plan is better than mine could ever be so for now I'll just rest knowing that.
2. Because it's about that time and people have started making comments like "aiden is almost two (which let's not rush it people...his b-day is still seven months away) shouldn't you be trying for another" or "are you pregnant yet?" or "when are you gonna get pregnant again". So to clear the air and in case anyone was wondering...we're working on it.
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3 comments:
thank you for your honesty janae and i praise god for what he has taught you and is doing in your family through this difficult situation. love you!
oh Janae, your honesty and vulnerability is so refreshing. You are the best mom to Aiden and he is such beautiful proof that God is GOOD. Your faithfulness to God through this is the strongest testimony that you'll be able to share to your kids one day.
I'm glad you are finding peace with the situation, which is certainly commendable. I think you are right on about being able to give him boundaries and be consistent. Although my kids are pretty well behaved, I wonder sometimes if having them so close together has made me more lax about that kind of thing.
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