ohhh 2011...

I have some serious mixed feelings about 2011 and I don't think I'm sad at all that it's over. But I am pretty amazed at how fast it flew by.

Last year at this time I was on my fourth round of Chlomid, looking ahead at the year to come and hoping & praying with everything in me that 2011 would come with a baby for us. It really was all that I wanted and pretty much all that I could think about. My happiness was kind of depending on it. My prayers were answered in January but then March obviously brought more sadness than I ever thought was possible with the loss of the pregnancy. So when I think back on this year I can pretty much say it was the hardest and saddest year of my life, hands down.

But then on the other hand, I can't really hate 2011. Because out of the sadness came that peace...you know, "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding"...it's that peace that I've learned about all my life, but never really understood completely until this year. God has been so faithful to me in providing exactly what I have needed in times of sadness. He's brought SO much encouragement, peace, an insane amount of joy and even some new lessons my way. So that actually kind of makes me thankful for this year after all.

I think the two biggest lessons that I've learned are: 1. the thing that I hear in my head almost every time that I have a pity party is this...If I believe that the God that I serve is perfect, which I most definitely do, then I have to trust in His will and His plan for me, whether I understand it or not. Because if my God is perfect, then ultimately His plan for me is perfect as well. It doesn't mean a perfect life, it means a plan that is just right for us. So that is what I trust in and I think that lesson was definitely one that I needed to learn.

And 2. my happiness cannot be dependent on my circumstances. I really learned that my happiness, or unhappiness even, is the result of where my focus is. My hardest days were the days that my thoughts were consumed by what I've lost. My best days were and are the days that my focus is on the life that God has so perfectly made for me. We are a family of three and blessed beyond our wildest dreams. That is perfect. I have the greatest husband on earth. Never in my life did I ever think I'd end up with a guy as amazing as Andrew Pinch. And let's be honest....my baby boy is the cutest, sweetest and smartest kid I've ever laid eyes on. Perfection. And even though this last year came with a major heartache it also came with a million blessings and we really have had so much fun. As weird as it might sound, this year was filled with an unbelievable amount of happiness. Emotional roller coaster? Maybe. But amazing at the same time? I think so.

So at this time, looking ahead at the year to come. I'm excited for what God has in store for us. I'm waiting on Him and His plan. And can say wholeheartedly, without a doubt that I am thankful for 2011 in spite of the fact that it wasn't at all what I'd imagined it was going to be. And I'm pretty ready for whatever 2012 has in store for us. I know for sure I'll be spending each day being completely obsessed with this guy: Hello, 2012!